Youtube star Tana Mongeau opened up about her turbulent marriage to , in a 40 minute video called “The truth about everything” that she posted on Sunday. In the confessional video, Tana discusses how she wishes she could go back to the beginning of their relationship, noting, “the second I walked into Jake Paul’s world, there was no taking me out of it,” she said, “I was so consumed. And I wish we would have relished in that time so much longer.” Blinded by love, Tana shares how she was not herself anymore, saying, “I loved who I was when I was with him so much that I kind of put on rose-colored glasses. I realized I would do anything to feel this feeling forever.” “He made me feel some of the best feelings I’ve ever felt just as a person, but also some of the worst,” she continued. “I think I put so much of myself into Jake that I lost myself, and that’s not his fault. And I’m not blaming him for that at all. It’s just the reality.”

Tana also says that after their wedding, “everything changed.” “I think the second he said, ‘I do,’ to me, he was like, ‘Now what?'” she shared. “I think he was also over it. I don’t blame him, but it left me clinging, trying to make this work.”  though the union was never made legal and many speculated it was “just for clout.” Once they decided to make their relationship open, Tana was broken. “I just wanted to make him happy. And letting it kill me. You can only let something kill you for so long until it’s actually going to f**king kill you,” she said. In one of the more alarming parts of the video, Tana declares, “Jake could f**king kill my whole family, I will always love him. I will always have a bond with him that I don’t ever see myself having with anyone else.” Though she is hopefully kidding, that kind of strong attachment does give off a bit of a toxic vibe. However, Tana insists that they are still together, and that she “always want[s] to be close with Jake, no matter what,” but is afraid for him to see the video.